Dude your kid is an effin' douche

I might be the only person in existence that doesn't think kids are cute. Especially when they get older and they are like nonbabies and complete douche bags in training. In recent months, I have had a few encounters that I would like to point out. What I especially am pissed off about is the fact that the parents are completely oblivious to others around them.

Let's look at some recent offenses of KID-PARENT DOUCHEBAGGERY:

INCIDENT #1: RESTAURANT

Holy effing crap, is that your kid flailing around while I'm trying to eat! I know you can't help it if your child decides to start screaming and crying in the middle of a restaurant. Totally sucks for you. However, do I need to witness this craziness for the entire time I am eating? At least have the decency to remove said child from the immediate vicinity and try to calm them down OUTSIDE or in the BATHROOM. What I don't appreciate is the parent doing absolutely NOTHING and let the kid act all crazy and disruptive and LOUD. When your kid is so loud that I can't even talk to the other people at my table because all I hear is "WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"- there is a serious problem.

INCIDENT #2: GO-KART TRACK

Okay, so maybe I'm too old to participate in these types of activities...but man my friends and I were having a killer time racing go-karts at a local fun center. What I didn't appreciate is being slammed, bumped and almost kicked off the track by a kid. Despite the fact the signs say "NO BUMPING," this terror was racing around the track running into everyone.

You know where his parents were? NO, either do I! Look, if you are going to let your kid run amok in public, make sure they at least have manners and/or abide by the rules.

INCIDENT #3: BATHROOM

SERIOUSLY, did your kid just peek underneath the bathroom stall into my stall? I don't even think I need to expand on how wrong this is, on so many levels.

Tell us what kind of incidences you have experienced with KID-PARENT DOUCHEBAGGERY.

That's pretty effin' gross

Alert, alert: I just witnessed the epitome of bad bathroom behavior. You would think with all the news hype about the virus-formerly-known-as-swine-flu, people would be even more cautious these days, especially in regards to personal hygiene.

As I walked into the restroom, I heard someone in the stall casually talking on the phone. This individual then proceeded to flush, come out of the stall and exit the bathroom - still on the cell phone and absolutely no hand washing.

I'm all for multitasking, but seriously? Okay first off, talking on your cell phone in a public restroom is effing gross. If I was on the other line, I don't care how good of friends we are, I don't want to hear you pee.  Then to follow that up with not even washing your hands - especially when another person is witnessing this act! That's pretty effin' gross.

Bus Eff-tiquette

I pay the same money as everyone else does to take the bus. It's 7:30 am on a Monday, no coffee yet and the weather is complete shit. Once we pile onto the bus, we all just want to sit and relax. I get it. 

Recently, I've encountered some serious bus no-no's and it's really pissing me off.

STOP RECLINING YOUR EFFING BUS SEAT

Look, I know that the bus seats have the option of reclining and you want to use it because for some reason you think it will make the trip more relaxing. But, I'm a pretty tall person, especially in the leg area. The thing that I can't stand is a person that looks behind them, sees that I'm tall and leggy, and then still decides to recline the bus seat into my legs. It hurts. Eating my legs before coffee effing hurts man. So if you have any decency whatsoever, stop before you recline.

DUDE GET OFF THE  EFFING PHONE

We are all busy, and with the help of blackberrys and cell phones, it has enabled us to take some of our work on the road. But dude, who the fuck are you talking to at 7:30 am? If you are giggling, cackling and making jokes at the volume level of 10, I assume you probably are not on an urgent work-related call. I especially love it when the bus specifically has a "No Cell Phone" sign and douche bags completely ignore it. 

WE ARE ALL GETTING OFF THE BUS, CHILL THE EFF OUT

Why the eff are people so excited to get off the bus? It just means they are going to have to go to work. Oh boy HOW exciting. As soon as the bus stops and opens the door it's like the running of the freakin' bulls. I'm not sure the extra 30 seconds you saved by pushing your way up to the front of the bus is really saving you any time.

DON'T TALK TO ME, IT'S NOT AN AIRPLANE

You would be surprised to know I'm actually a very nice person. However on the bus, I want to plug in my headphones and catch a little nap. I do not want to engage in "small talk" first thing in the morning. So why is it, that the one "Chatty Cathy" always sits next to me? I'm not sure if the person doesn't see the obvious hints: blasting music, headphones, eyes closed - but all those signs point to that fact that I do not want to speak with you.

 

So please just remember to mind your effing bus manners. Thanks!

Eff Twitter

Holy shit, I am so sick of hearing about Twitter. Between Oprah, The View, GMA, and pretty much any newspaper that's left- everyone is carrying on about how effin' great Twitter is. Celebrities and their fake celebrity personalities are on it, who only follow and communicate with other celebrities,  which is really not interesting at all.

Even though I'm forced to use Twitter for work, it's pretty much the last thing I want to do. To be an "eff"ective Tweeter, you have to be like super interesting all the time. God damn that's a lot of work. I can barely muster up the creativity for Facebook status updates.

I just read today that some mom is going to tweet while she's in labor. Seriously?? If I was pushing out a baby, the last thing I imagine that would run through my brain would be "oh I must sign on to Twitter and tell all my tweeples about pushing a baby through my vagina." 

Who really gives a shit about that!?

Now there are studies being released about how all these people signed up for Twitter only to get bored after a month. SHOCKER! These geniuses stumbled upon the fact that this twitshit takes up way too much time and "eff"ort to be worth anything. 

Also how do people follow 7,000 other people and know what's going on? That's like ADD on crack with a side of speed. I mean I have trouble keeping up with what 20 people are doing let alone a shitload of other folks. Then you have regular Twitter users moaning on and on about getting as many followers as possible. Is this some sick popularity challenge? Bitches I left that crap back in high school.

I just can't wait until Twitter becomes old news, which I hope it does, because I'm effing over it.

What the Eff is Back!

Good effin' Friday. Just a quick note that we are back in EFFaction. If you have missed us, we are sorry but got distracted by life.

Stay tuned for more complaining!

Eff-sides

Being a superfan of a band is so easy these days with the internet and the whole digital effin’ madness. Man I remember pulling all nighters to wait in line for tickets to shows, to only get a fucking lottery ticket; then stand in line again, just to see a band. I also remember saving up weeks and weeks worth of lunch money to pay about 40 dollars for bootlegs; when now you can get them free on the internet. I’m really effin’ pissed. I’m a total superfan of an unnamed band and just had a run in with a poser fan. This poser fan tells me he/she is a huge fan (side note: he/she continually tries to outfan me) and asks me if I can help score some ultra rare shit. First off I don't have the patience for this person to try and outfan me, I have a job and shit to do. But because I'm polite, I say sure no problem. I send him/her to an online discography and say just make a list of what you need and I’ll burn it for you.

This bitchass proceeds to ask me to copy an official release. Evidently this person seems to have left the superfan guidelines up his/her asshole. First off, when being a superfan:
1. You must have ALL official releases or you are wasting space. If you proceed to get a tattoo of the artist and you do not have every single official release, or even imports of original releases, in your collection you hereby are sentenced to another fucking planet.
2. You must have an already extensive collection of b-sides and/or bootlegs along with vinyl (even if your ass doesn’t have a record player). The definition of an ultra rare song is not a b-side from an official release. Ultra rare songs mean by getting the song you’ve done some serious groundwork to actually acquire the track.
3. Just because the artist from the band has a solo project and you have that record does not automatically enter you in superfan status.
4. Never try to outfan a fellow superfan, especially when you are a fucktard. If you clearly do not have every single god damn thing on earth and you try to take on a real superfan, you will be revealed as a fucking moron.

Don't Eff on my parade

Seriously what the eff is with umbrellas. The umbrella companies have to be making some serious cash because they make the shittiest product out there. An average umbrella only makes it through about 2 serious thunderstorms. The last thing I want to deal with is my umbrella flipping inside out while pounding rain hits my face and wind blows me across the fucking street. It gives me serious umbrella rage. Additionally who is in charge of making those metal things that holds the fabric up on the umbrella? I want to stick an umbrella up their asses. Those metal things break one by one. You try to keep the umbrella going in hopes there is some umbrella left to salvage. Then a sudden gush of wind blows the fucking umbrella right out of your hands and it becomes an umbrella corpse. I’m also sick of “wind resistant” tags on umbrellas. That is bullshit. I’ve forked out thirty dollars for one of those things, and that shit breaks in no time flat.

You know who’s making a lot of money on umbrellas? The street vendors in New York City. They sell those things for 4 dollars, and they break 4 blocks later. What the fuck? They are always standing outside the subway for those dumbasses that didn’t watch the weather report and are like “oh shit, it’s raining.” Those vendors are smart motherfuckers that’s for sure.

This is a total conspiracy that the umbrella corporations put together to keep selling a shitty ass product.

Also no one has any umbrella etiquette. They walk around with these huge golf umbrellas that smack your umbrella and it causes serious umbrella traffic. Let me tell you-those golf umbrellas are shit also, they aren’t gonna protect your precious hair either. I also am so effing sick of people that use umbrellas as a fashion statement. Whether it has little puppies on it, or bright fluorescent green- it’s a fucking umbrella, get over it.

Ponchos are a complete waste of vinyl. If you decide to go the poncho route, your face still gets wet, and you look like a fucking rubber duckie or a god damn trash bag. Also if you ever or have ever worn an umbrella hat, what the fuck is wrong with you? Not only do you look like a complete moron-but seriously a bright colored hat that is shaped like an umbrella? Puleeze. Rain is total shit, eff rain.